Where did we stop last time? Oh yes, our princess had been granted her final wish and she and Kasha were off to Moscow. Although Kasha was half wolf and half seal, she looked for all the world like a chocolate Labrador retriever. Indeed, she had the best of two worlds, the cunning of Lupus and the beauty of a seal. All in all, not a bad deal. On rare occasions, mother nature will take pains to bless special creatures with beauty and brains.
Not that everything was peaches and cream back in Moscow. Indeed, Tanya's mother, who we now have to call Babushka, was about to get another grandchild. Sure enough she was confused. At her age she was expecting the family to grow, but she wasn't expecting dogs. And needless to say the tortoise was less than charmed, you might even say he was alarmed.
You see, our ancient amphibian was not just any old carapace. He was a domovoi. As everyone knows, a domovoi is a house fairy who protects all who live therein. And this is only where he begins. He was also the chief domovoi for all of Moscow city, a card carrying member of the State Security Committee. I know you might think this is a fairy tale, but he was also a major. Indeed, his full name was Major Domo O'voi. Way back in the day, his grandfather came from Ireland, yes, that far away.
Of course being a tortoise, he had the perfect disguise. The princess and Babushka didn't even know if he was a she or she was a he. Such things are not that obvious when one wears a shell.
Indeed, like most secret agents, Domo preferred to work alone and he would often steal off to obscure places. To keep track of him, Babushka attached a ribbon to his shell. For Domo the ribbon was not just a tribulation, it was outright humiliation. As everyone knows, even in Moscow, very few boys wear ribbons.
Nonetheless, amphibians, if they are nothing else, are patient and tolerant. So when Kasha arrived Domo calmed himself by composing a welcome poem:
It could have been worse, I have to admit that.
Worse might have been, an odoriferous cat.
A dog takes great pains and pride
in doing their toilet, mostly outside.
With dogs we are spared that rare kind of hell,
homecoming at night to that evil cat smell.
The fact that amphibians are nifty poets is not as well known as it might be because they speak so softly. Only finely tuned ears like those on a canine can hear their spiffy verse.
Howsoever, Kasha was quite pleased with the cat ditty. As everyone knows, dogs are not that fond of cats even if they're pretty. Furthermore, the issue of smell was to provide the glue that helped to cement the dog and the tortoise as the best of friends. This came to pass because tortoises eat greens and emit great volumes of gas.
Now we must be honest from the start. Only the keenest of noses can detect a tortoise fart. Surely, when Domo got windy the dust bunnies would fly. But then they would be gone in the wink of an eye. Now along comes a dog with the best kind of nose, so the need for those ribbons no longer arose.
Indeed, Kasha was also the first one to inform the family that she was a he and surely that was another reason to cut the ribbons. As everyone knows, tortoises are very quiet, but Kasha, with her big ears, never missed a word no matter which end of the tortoise spoke.
Meanwhile down on the first floor, the shoemakers were still busy turning cows into shoes and other leather goods. No doubt for the Italian market. Domo didn't mind the noise because Tortoises don't hear very well anyway. It was a different matter with Tatiana and Kasha. As everyone knows, dogs have very sensitive ears. Domo, as the household guardian, felt it was his responsibility to give the princess a break. One day, out of the clear blue, he told Kasha to ask Tanya if she wanted to go to America for a visit.
"America!", she screamed. "We would love to go to America."
"We?," said the tortoise. "Do you have a mouse in your pocket?"
"Come on, of course I would take Kasha," she wailed.
"America doesn't need any more dogs, Babushka can take care of Kasha," said Major Domo.
"Oh no, my dear Domo, you see; a perfect pond needs frogs, just as any good farm needs hogs and a perfect church needs a steeple, but dogs never need people as much as people need dogs," said the princess.
Domo was very impressed with the Limerick. The Irish themselves were very good with bad poetry. OK!, OK!, he thought. The dog goes too. But they need to have a mission, a purpose for their visit. First he needed to know what the princess knew about the good old USA.
"My dear girl, what do you know about America?"
"What can I say about the USA? Well, there's Mickey, Minnie and happy endings, flip flops, drop tops and deficit spending. And there's baseball, basketball and football or soccer with no score at all. What can I say about the USA? There's Memphis, Graceland and Hollywood, Dolly Parton and Johnny Be Good. Tabasco, grits and bar-b-que, Po, Tigger and Scooby Do. What can you say about the USA? There's Sousa bands and extra virgins, jello molds and plastic surgeons. Elvis imitators in cowboy boots, Halloween and turkey shoots. What can you say about the USA? There's sister wives and yellow mustard, the NY Times and frozen custard. Hot dogs, surfing and rodeo queens, wanna bees, bimbos and Maureen. What can you say about the USA? You can rock and roll or do a square dance or wiggle your wagon in Levi pants. I think there's more I must confess, for the moment, I'm out of breath."
After hearing all this, Domo was spinning on the floor like a top. Hocus pocus, he thought, this girl needs some focus. Tatiana was going to America for a few weeks not the rest of her life. Domo thought she should concentrate on a couple of issues, maybe two. More than that would not do.
So while he munched on a sprout, he tossed some ideas about. What do Russians need to know about the USA that they don't already know today?
If the truth be told, our major Domo was curious about his colleagues, American fairies and elves. He had heard from a usually reliable source, later confirmed by exit polls, that American hotels were infested with trolls. Indeed, the rooms were stocked with little bars of soap, little bottles of shampoo, little bags of snacks and even a tiny ice box filled with small bottles of adult beverages. After considerable thought, Major Domo decided that he should investigate those adult beverages himself whenever an occasion arose.
After much reflection, he decided to point the princess and Kasha in another direction. "How are these if you please? Let's say you examine just two strategic issues; cheese burgers and soft toilet tissues.
If the truth be told, Tanya was quite relieved. As everybody knows, she hated too many choices. Furthermore, she was especially happy that she wouldn't have to investigate those extra virgins. Such issues are fraught with ambiguity. An extra virgin could be a blind date, near sighted fruit, maiden aunts or salad dressings. Or who knows, something really depressing.
So armed with focus, purpose and a mission, Princess Tatiana and Kasha prepared to leave for America. When they stood on the runway, Tanya told Major Domo that she thought that it was nothing short of a miracle that in less than a day they would be in the USA. Old Domo disagreed, he thought the real miracle was this twosome, a girl and her dog, were off to see the world, and then some.
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Well Ganya, here we are again, another convenient place to stop. In our next chapter we will hear what happens to the princess and Kasha when they get to America. Until then, out with the light, sleep tight and good night.
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